My body clock is stuck on 2:37am the night before an essay is due.

I’m playing Super Mario World, but I only ever have one life and also Yoshi keeps dead legging me.

I’m trying to run the egg and spoon race but am still in my sack from the sack race.

When other people wonder when to have a sit down during a day out, I wonder when I should have a day out during my sit down.

I am riding the Tour de France on a stationery bicycle.

It’s not just that my batteries have run down but, much like my laptop in the academic year 2013/2014, I can only run on mains power and my WiFi connection is laughable.

When you go upstairs, they’re stairs. When I go upstairs, they’re the travelator from the end of Gladiators and Wolf is trying to beat me with a pugil stick.

My energy levels have gone straight to video.

Bernie Ecclestone has mandated that I must make a pit stop on every lap. This rule does not apply to any other driver.

Sorry, we are unable to reach the Netflix service. Please try again later or visit www.netflix.com

It’s the opposite of the concept of “pre-drinking” so instead of drinking before I go out, I feel like I have a hangover before I go out and also I don’t go out.

Everything has an equal and opposite reaction, except anything I do which has a grossly unequal reaction and can I sit down please?

I can only boot in safe mode.

I must view life from behind the false mirror of a police interrogation room and when I tap on the glass and try to explain that to the person on the other side, they can only see themselves and say “Yes, I get tired sometimes too.”

I have taken the last two years off to work on my night cheese.