This conversation is an exam for which I did not revise sufficiently.

You know at the end of Wall-E when he’s all run down and reboots but he doesn’t reboot as Wall-E, he’s just some dumb cleaning robot? I am just some dumb cleaning robot.

All my thoughts are at the bottom of a well and we’re all just going to have to wait for the bucket to come up before I can tell you whether I want a cup of tea, alright?

John Peel has set my brain at the wrong speed.

I am trying to find the right word but my brain’s dictionary is suddenly arranged alphabetically by definition, not word, so it’s going to take a while.

I’m a dial-up modem in a fibre broadband world.

My brain is a finely tuned piece of clockwork. Clockwork that is now full of candy floss.

The opening line of the Malcolm in the Middle theme tune is my standard response to any interaction.

Complicated processes are liable to cause the Blue Brain of Death.

I am making about as much sense as I would if I were steaming drunk, but unlike if I were drunk, I am painfully aware of how poorly constructed my sentences are.

I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Dr. Sam Beckett has just landed in my body and said “Oh boy!” but Al hasn’t turned up with Ziggy yet so he has no idea what’s going on.

I have decided to turn my life into one fun long-running version of the game Taboo and you’re just going to have to try and work out what word I actually wanted to say.

Why have you all started speaking Russian?

My body clock is stuck on 2:37am the night before an essay is due.

I’m playing Super Mario World, but I only ever have one life and also Yoshi keeps dead legging me.

I’m trying to run the egg and spoon race but am still in my sack from the sack race.

When other people wonder when to have a sit down during a day out, I wonder when I should have a day out during my sit down.

I am riding the Tour de France on a stationery bicycle.

It’s not just that my batteries have run down but, much like my laptop in the academic year 2013/2014, I can only run on mains power and my WiFi connection is laughable.

When you go upstairs, they’re stairs. When I go upstairs, they’re the travelator from the end of Gladiators and Wolf is trying to beat me with a pugil stick.

My energy levels have gone straight to video.

Bernie Ecclestone has mandated that I must make a pit stop on every lap. This rule does not apply to any other driver.

Sorry, we are unable to reach the Netflix service. Please try again later or visit www.netflix.com

It’s the opposite of the concept of “pre-drinking” so instead of drinking before I go out, I feel like I have a hangover before I go out and also I don’t go out.

Everything has an equal and opposite reaction, except anything I do which has a grossly unequal reaction and can I sit down please?

I can only boot in safe mode.

I must view life from behind the false mirror of a police interrogation room and when I tap on the glass and try to explain that to the person on the other side, they can only see themselves and say “Yes, I get tired sometimes too.”

I have taken the last two years off to work on my night cheese.